Growing in Grace

Close To The Vest

I’ve been MIA from my blog for more than a month.  Sorry about the abrupt disappearance.  Several times I have come to write and been unable to get more than a few lines before I gave up and headed back out again.  It seems that when I am internally unsettled, it is difficult to write.  Or at least it is difficult when I’m not able to share what’s on my heart IRL.

I try very hard to stay transparent when I write.  There have been several things happening school wise or dealing with birthdays that I could have posted.  But, I felt very artificial talking about events and activities while avoiding what was really on my mind.  I’ve been holding everything close to the vest IRL and haven’t shared much with anyone around here because of the uncertainty of my own thoughts.  And, I feel like I’m not conveying anything clearly even now.

But, last week, someone asked if I had a conflict or falling out with someone at our church and they wanted to know what happened.  I feel like even though they won’t ever read this, I must need to explain things a bit more so there aren’t false assumptions about my abrupt disappearance in most every area of life.

I certainly have not have a falling out with anyone at the church.  I still value the people of the church and believe that they are doing a good work for the Kingdom.  However, I do not feel like much of a part of the body there any longer.  My connection has always been through the children’s ministry and removing myself from that ministry has left me out of sorts.

For the past three years, I have had spiritual questions and uncertainties that have absolutely nothing to do with our church.  After several months of constant questioning and researching, I pushed them all to the side and carried on with my status quo in religion.

When dh and I determined that I needed to be fully at home, I resigned from my job.  The reasons for resigning were and are absolutely solid and accurate.  We need to be together as a family and able to travel as necessary.  I needed to be free from outside responsibilities and able to focus on our home life.  All true statements.

After my last Sunday on staff, I decided to take a bit of a rest from corporate worship.  And, honestly, I have loved the break.  I’ve been resting and recharging and using my quiet time on Sundays as a time to center myself and be more proactive in recognizing the 4th Commandment.

Dh and the kiddos have been attending Sunday services faithfully at the church and as for now, Dh and I are both satisfied with this arrangement.

As for me, I have found a wonderful, very small church that I am attending on Wendesdays.  Again, not because I am upset with anyone at our church, but because my questions and research have led me to a new understanding of worship and spiritual expression and my responsibilities and privileges in my relationship with God.  Things that I’ll flesh out here soon.  Things that are the root of my quietness and resistance to discussion here.

So, know that I am doing quite well.  And, I’m feeling closer to God than I have in a *long* time.  He has made Himself known to me in a fresh way and has confirmed His presence in my life more than once recently.  I look forward to delving into my new revelations over the next few weeks.

Tags: Inside My Head

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