Growing in Grace

Closing my Doors

I’ve been blogging (ir)regularly since 2005 and I believe that I’ve hit a wall. My posts have dropped steadily off and I no longer feel like I’m keeping up with Growing in Grace the way it was meant to be.

So, I’ve made the decision to close up shop here. My hosting contract runs out in December, so it seems like a good time to call it quits.

Thanks to everyone who has hung in there with me over the years. This has been a wonderful outlet for me to work through thoughts and emotions as well as a great record of our school and family life.

I may pick it up again later somewhere else. Especially to chronicle our school activities. So, if you’d like to be kept in the loop, just let me know.

Thanks again, you guys make me feel listened to and appreciated! God Bless!

Close To The Vest

I’ve been MIA from my blog for more than a month.  Sorry about the abrupt disappearance.  Several times I have come to write and been unable to get more than a few lines before I gave up and headed back out again.  It seems that when I am internally unsettled, it is difficult to write.  Or at least it is difficult when I’m not able to share what’s on my heart IRL.

I try very hard to stay transparent when I write.  There have been several things happening school wise or dealing with birthdays that I could have posted.  But, I felt very artificial talking about events and activities while avoiding what was really on my mind.  I’ve been holding everything close to the vest IRL and haven’t shared much with anyone around here because of the uncertainty of my own thoughts.  And, I feel like I’m not conveying anything clearly even now.

But, last week, someone asked if I had a conflict or falling out with someone at our church and they wanted to know what happened.  I feel like even though they won’t ever read this, I must need to explain things a bit more so there aren’t false assumptions about my abrupt disappearance in most every area of life.

I certainly have not have a falling out with anyone at the church.  I still value the people of the church and believe that they are doing a good work for the Kingdom.  However, I do not feel like much of a part of the body there any longer.  My connection has always been through the children’s ministry and removing myself from that ministry has left me out of sorts.

For the past three years, I have had spiritual questions and uncertainties that have absolutely nothing to do with our church.  After several months of constant questioning and researching, I pushed them all to the side and carried on with my status quo in religion.

When dh and I determined that I needed to be fully at home, I resigned from my job.  The reasons for resigning were and are absolutely solid and accurate.  We need to be together as a family and able to travel as necessary.  I needed to be free from outside responsibilities and able to focus on our home life.  All true statements.

After my last Sunday on staff, I decided to take a bit of a rest from corporate worship.  And, honestly, I have loved the break.  I’ve been resting and recharging and using my quiet time on Sundays as a time to center myself and be more proactive in recognizing the 4th Commandment.

Dh and the kiddos have been attending Sunday services faithfully at the church and as for now, Dh and I are both satisfied with this arrangement.

As for me, I have found a wonderful, very small church that I am attending on Wendesdays.  Again, not because I am upset with anyone at our church, but because my questions and research have led me to a new understanding of worship and spiritual expression and my responsibilities and privileges in my relationship with God.  Things that I’ll flesh out here soon.  Things that are the root of my quietness and resistance to discussion here.

So, know that I am doing quite well.  And, I’m feeling closer to God than I have in a *long* time.  He has made Himself known to me in a fresh way and has confirmed His presence in my life more than once recently.  I look forward to delving into my new revelations over the next few weeks.

Tags: Inside My Head

Laying Low

I’ve been hiding out at home for the past few weeks and I have to say…I love it!!

I’ve never been much for staying home.  In fact, my family used to tease me that my kiddos would think they were born to ride in the car because we were on the road so much.  I’ve invested in carschooling materials and have loads of things to do while driving.  Books on tape or CD, driving games, DVDs, and more are in the car at all times.

We have hardly used any of these this month!  The incessant rain has encouraged us to stay within our four walls, but even beyond that, I have been more motivated to focus on our home rather than anything outside.

What a surprise that this really does suit me!

I’ve baked bread, played card games, napped, played board games, and even started organizing my office a bit.  Lessons are more carefully planned and school days are more predictable.

I do miss seeing my friends with whom I used to meet up almost weekly, but the current ease of home life is very appealing!

I haven’t returned to church since my last Sunday working with the children’s department.  It’s very difficult for me to go back.  Although my departure was instigated by me and the best thing for our family, it’s hard to go back and not be a part of anything.  I’m rather displaced.  Understand, I’m not complaining, just transitioning.

We went out of town and had some other things that we were able to do on Sundays once my obligations were lifted, but even now, with no other plans, I am reluctant to appear and be just another congregant.  Weird, I know, but there it is.  The family is still participating, but I’m missing from the equation.

And, for now, I’m okay with that.

And, as long as dh is okay with that, we’re good.

I’m finding my worship in other places and laying low there too.

It’s a time for recharging and clearing my head.  Resting and being fed.  Pouring myself our for my family only.  And letting God fill me back up.

While everyone else is ready for the rain to stop, I don’t mind it a bit.  It keeps me in my cocoon and reconnects me to the things I have missed for so long.  Laying low seems to be good for my soul.

Tags: Family Ties

Would They Feel The Loss?

A while back I was reading a church ministry resource and it posed the question about whether the community would notice if your church disappeared.  Would there be a significant loss in the people and in your neighborhood?  Does your church provide a benefit to the surrounding area in such a way that they would be upset if you closed your doors or moved away?

At that time, I was examining the question in light of my church ministry.  I gave it a lot of thought and talked it over with a few people.  I even began a blog entry with that as the focus and saved it to come back to later.

However, now that I’ve come back to it, I am seeing that question in a new light.  A personal light.

When you read about the early church, the church grew in number because of the witness of the believers.  And, not necessarily the vocal witness of those believers, but in the way they lived their lives.  They shared their belongings.  They treated one another with love.  They lived in community.  And, people noticed that their neighbors were suddenly, significantly, different.

They were so different that the neighborhood wanted to know what happened to them.  They wanted in on that change of life too!

Here I am a couple thousand years later.  Does my neighborhood even know that I have faith in Christ?  Do they know my name?  Would they care one iota if a for sale sign went in my yard tomorrow?

This morning an ambulance showed up at the house across the street.  This is the second time this year that they’ve had to call an ambulance for the man of the house.  The first time, I went over to see if they needed anything.  It was the first time in years, probably only the 3rd time EVER, that I’ve spoken to the lady of the house.  Of course she didn’t need anything…I’m a practical stranger.

Today we were on the way out when we saw the ambulance and the wife in her car behind waiting to follow to the hospital.  I gave a sympathetic smile and nod and she responded in kind.

How does my faith impact my community?

Well, as evidenced by those two pathetic attempts at connecting with the neighbor, very poorly, if at all.

Most of the time I am so caught up with me, myself, and I…oh yeah, and the boat load of little ones in my own four walls, that I hardly have a thought about the world around me.

I have had fairy tale ideals about hosting neighborhood cookouts or seasonal picnics.  But, I have never done anything like that.  I am plugged into a church 20 minutes away instead of in my back yard.  I only know the names of one house of neighbors.  The rest are all ’sports-bra girl’ and ‘green house family’ and the like.  Sad, isn’t it?

So, I have to determine what my personal responsibility is to my comminuty.  Is there any at all?  We, as a society, are so self-sufficient that I suspect I am one of many people who don’t know their neighbor’s names, let alone have relationship with them.

Do I have any impetus to change my status quo?  What would the Lord want me to do?  Does He expect a greater degree of intimacy between me and my neighborhood?  And, how on earth do you go about that?  Start taking cookies or bread house to house with a ‘getting to know you’ note??

I believe that no one on our street would feel the loss if we were to disappear tomorrow.  So the bigger question is, do I care?

The Cake Experience

Ds2 turns 9 tomorrow.  And, we were talking about cakes last week.  And he and I have spent a lot of time lately watching Cake Boss and Ultimate Food Challenge Cake Competitions.  So when asked what kind of cake he wanted, he told me he wanted a four tier cake covered in fondant.

And, instead of telling him that he could have that when he gets married, I agreed to do it.

I have never made fondant before.  And, I had never made a cake bigger than a simple two layer cake.  This was going to be an adventure.  No laughing please. :)

First, I found a recipe for fondant online and made a plan for the cake.  Then we gathered our supplies.  I made the fondant at my mom’s house…she says that I do all my messy projects there ;)

Making the fondant was messy, but not that difficult.  We tinted the white fondant with food coloring to create yellow, green, orange, and purple portions – as requested by the birthday boy.

The next day, I baked the cakes.  I used cake mixes that I had on hand and each layer was different.  The top tier was fudge marble, then yellow, spice, and strawberry.  After the fact, I read where each tier should be a two layer cake to give enough height in the tier.  Not having read that ahead of time, the top tier is the only one that I made two layer.  Consequently, the layers are not equally thick.

Once the cakes were ready, I began rolling out the fondant.  This is where it got tricky.  The fondant was harder to work with the second day.  Directions said to sugar the surface on which you were working.  That is an understatement!  I *really* had to sugar the surface to keep it from sticking to the rolling mat.  And, even then, it was difficult to keep it from tearing or cracking.

Each layer got a bit easier as I learned to keep it a bit thick and very sugared.  We purchased an imprint mat to create a pattern on the fondant and I tried that on the first layer.  It was kind of okay.  Then I tried it on the second layer and it was a disaster.  I could never figure out how to keep the fondant from sticking all to the mat.  If we had used white fondant, then it would not have been as difficult because the powdered sugar would not have shown on its surface.  However, using colored fondant meant that every little speck of powdered sugar showed up against the color.  After we got everything put together, I worked to get the white flecks off, but I still could see some at the very end.

Okay, next was the stacking.  We bought columns to separate the tiers and dh helped me place dowels in the center of the columns.  I had not read up on the stacking part.  Mistake.  I couldn’t make this work.

Here was the attempt.

As you can see, there are lots of problems with this.  The bottom columns began sinking into the bottom layer of cake and it became quickly evident that we needed a Plan B.  So, our Plan B was to take the columns out and stack the layers right on top of each other.

Again, reading up on technique would have been beneficial.  I didn’t put supports inside the cakes when they were on one another and so throughout the night and into the next day, the bottom layer got shorter and shorter as the upper layers squashed it down.

There is no doubt that this was a first attempt at something new.  But regardless of the flaws, the kiddos all liked it and we have three more birthdays this year to perfect our technique!  I’ll certainly be reading more about stacking cakes and handling fondant in the coming weeks.

Tags: Day to Day

The Boys Made Lunch

I’ve been working to help my older kiddos become a bit more self-sufficient and responsible in the kitchen.  Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, one of the older three are responsible to help plan and fix lunch and dinner.  We’ve got a schedule and they each look forward to their day to choose meals.  So far, they really love stepping into this new role.

Last week, it was ds2’s day to plan and prepare lunch.  He decided to make frozen pizza. (I didn’t say they have to make a nutritious lunch.)  The wee one was being extra fussy, so I explained that I was going to put him down for a nap and ds2 was to come get me when the timer rang and I’d come get the pizzas from the oven.

Well, when I laid down with ds4, I fell asleep too.  And slept for almost an hour!

I woke with a start and frantically came downstairs thinking that my other kiddos would be starving and the pizzas would be black burnt crisps in the bottom of the oven.

I was completely wrong.

Ds1 and ds2 worked together to get the pizzas out.  They sliced and served ds3 and dd.  They made juice to drink.  And, to top it off, they created a dessert of marshmallows topped with chocolate chips and drizzled in syrup. (Remember, we haven’t discussed nutrition.)  They also made me a sandwich because they ate all the pizza and poured me a glass of diet coke.

Everyone was working on their desserts when I walked in the kitchen.  The boys presented me with my sandwich and explained everything they had accomplished on their own.

My reaction was mixed.  I wanted to be upset with them for getting the pan out of the oven.  However, they were successful and no one got burned.  They even turned off the oven when they were through.  At the same time, I was totally impressed!  What a great show of responsibility!

Hmmm, before long, they won’t need me in the kitchen at all!

Tags: Day to Day, Kiddos

Who Are You?

I heard a portion of a sermon a couple of weeks ago that hit at just the right time for me.  My transition to a full time SAHM who home educates has taken a portion of my identity away.  Or so I thought.

Sometimes I feel like by limiting my self to working in the home that I’m negating part of my worth or my ability to impact lives.  Nevermind the five little lives that I’m working to point in God’s direction for them, right?

This sermon was about ‘Who Am I?’ and focused on finding our value in our identity as sons and daughters of Christ, independant of other successes or titles that we may hold here on earth.

How do you know where you place your value and find your identity?  When you introduce yourself to a new acquaintance, how do you present yourself?  That’s one way to see where you believe your worth lies.  One woman told the story of attending a N.O.W. meeting and being introduced to a new member.  The new member began the conversation with, “Hi, my name is Suzy Q.  I have an undergraduate degree from Prestigious University, and graduate degrees from Even More Prestigious University.  I am the top muckity-muck at So-and- So Firm.  Who are you?”  Well, this began a round robin version of ‘one-upmanship’ where each woman tried her best to see and raise the new member’s impressive list of qualifications.

If you were wondering where those ladies placed their value, it was evident once they answered the question ‘Who are you?’ with lists of degrees and accomplishments.

When someone wants to know who you are, how do you answer?  I typically answer by listing the roles that I fill.  Wife to dh, mom to five little ones, homeschooler.  I have also answered with ‘minister’ for a long time now.  I threw away my church business cards and don’t feel comfortable using my personal ones anymore because they list ‘minister’ as one of my many hats.  So, who am I now?

Well, I am exactly the same person that I was a month or two ago.

Truth is that my identity comes from who I am in Christ and that hasn’t changed.  I am a joint heir with Jesus.  I am a daughter of the King.  I am loved and cherished beyond my wildest dreams.  I am valued and desired regardless of what I do or don’t do.  God doesn’t keep my C.V. on file and determine his opinion of me based on the changes that take place within it.

It doesn’t matter what my business cards say or what other people may think of my choices to work or not to work.  And it doesn’t even matter what I think of my current choices.  God loves me and values me no matter how I spend my days.

I know that when people ask what I do or who I am, they are really asking about the roles that I fill.  However, I wish that I could answer truthfully and let them know that I am a treasured child of God and my eternal worth is found in Jesus Christ who gave Himself for me on the cross.  And the rest, really doesn’t matter.

Tags: Life with Jesus

Natural Consequences Are Driving Me Batty

I am trying to stay dconsistent with our routines for school.  After failing miserably with a schedule that has incremented times, I am doing a more general routine.  The basic day goes like this:

Breakfast

Morning Hygiene

Workboxes

Lunch

History or Science

Free Time

Dinner

Having large chunks like this makes things a bit easier to manage.  And workboxes covers the 3 Rs and any workbook pages that they have to do.  Afternoons are projects and lapbooks and reading; Tapestry of Grace unit study materials.

So, after talking with dh about serious dawdling that happens every day, we decided on the following plan.  Once workbox time is up, it is up.  Anything left in the boxes must be done as homework after dinner under Dad’s supervision.

And, while that is wonderful in theory, it hasn’t really made an impact on the boys so far.  They have missed computer time with dad a couple of times, but it hasn’t had the desired effect on my mornings with them.

I have idealized visions of them being self-motivated to work through the boxes and be done!  If they finish before lunch, they get free time to do what they wish until lunch. sounds motivational to me.

And, as an example, I explain to dh that in elementary school, we created our own assignment sheets and worked through all seven subjects without cajoling from the teacher.  If you finished early, you got to get on the computer or play games.  If not, you had to start where you left off the next morning.  Most people in the class either finished all seven subjects or at least got pretty close each day.

Dh countered by explaining that I’m not normal.

He said that it is more normal not to be self-motivated and to try and shirk what you should be doing.  Then he also said it might be a boy/girl thing.

All I know is that I am not being very successful at not harping on them.  I am trying, but it is SO difficult just to let things play out naturally.  I want them to get things finished so we have more time to play games or to create art or to study music.  But they use every possible moment they are given just to do the basics.

I am trying not to be crazy.  I am trying not to nag.

Boy, this is hard.

Tags: Kiddos, School Days

Egyptian Pottery

In our study of Egypt, we used clay to create some Egyptian pottery.  The big boys created a couple of really nice pieces.

Ds1 made a bowl.  He rolled out strips of clay and stacked them together to create the bowl.  After it dried, he painted it terra cotta and included drawings on the sides.  I took the picture before the art went on the sides though.

Ds2 created a lamp and it turned out really fantastic!  He shaped the clay and once it was dry, he also painted it.  Then, we took an old t-shirt and cut it into strips and soaked the strips in oil.  We poured oil in the lamp and positioned the wick against the lamp edge.  Then we lit the lamp and used it for the afternoon.  It was one of the most fun thingsthat he has ever done with clay!

Tags: School Days

Making Bricks

As a part of our study of Ancient Egypt, we have talked about the Israelites and how they were brick-making slaves to the pharaoh.  To get a feel for what that means, we made our own bricks out of mud.  And, we made them in two different ways.

Exodus tells us that when the pharoah got upset with Moses for his percieved impertinence, he required that the Israelites stick to their quota on brick making, but he stopped providing them with straw.  So, we tried to make bricks with straw and without straw to see what the difference is.

I only had my phone camera, so the pictures are a bit blurry, but you get the idea.

We used a plastic pool as our mixing bowl.

The bigger boys dug up dirt and carried it to our staging center.

The little ones started mixing the dirt with water, using their feet as mixing tools.

Everyone wanted in on the mixing!

After creating a brick without straw, we added straw to the mix.

It got messy!!

Mud was placed into shoeboxes to form the bricks.

After sitting outside for days and drying out, we have bricks!  They were surprisingly firm and truly brick-like!

This was a really fun and interesting project for the kiddos to do.  I think that activities like this make the Bible come to life in a new way and allow more opportunities for great discussion among the whole family.  It also is a low cost way to experience the life of a slave in Ancient Egypt!

Tags: School Days